#194 Ignorance is Bliss
Nov17
on November 17, 2022
at 5:39 am
It’s nice to appreciate the little things in life. Turkeys, however, are not little. They are very big and very scary. That’s why we kill and eat them every November. I think.
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Breeding turkeys for stupidity might make it easier to raise, fatten, and then slaughter them, but given the modern qualms about eating anything that might not want to be eaten, and all the thorny ethical issues attaching to that issue, perhaps we should have been breeding them to want to be eaten, as well as being capable of saying so, like the dish of the day at the Milliways, who cheerfully introduced himself to Arthur and company in the second Hitchhiker’s book. On such an occasion as this, one of his kind would say that he’s thankful for the opportunity to be the star of someone’s Thanksgiving feast, and how wonderful it is, BOTH to be able to provide sustenance to families celebrating a successful harvest, and to MISS having to spend Thanksgiving with that family in a fashion that would subject him to having to listen to the akward conversations, such as, just for example, how everyone should accept that Jaynelle is a woman now, and how Regina’s date this year is a woman named Christine, and how Chirstine is not only a militant post-feminist lesbyanne, (“don’t spell it the old way, that colonizes our secktooul ydentiti!”) but a hard-core vegan to boot with nut allergies, so she, SORRY, “zhe,” I mean, cannot eat pretty much anything, EVEN “an animal who WANTS to be eaten and is capable of saying so, clearly and distinctly.” Then the meat animal gets to miss out on the argument between Regina’s mother, (sorry, I mean birthgiving parent,) who is a “TERF,” and Jason, her sonnnn er… I mean her daughter Jaynelle… as zheir grandmother Rebekka laments never having grandkids. Yes, the meat beast is better off, for sure, getting to attend the feast and not having to LISTEN to any of that nonsense!
This year, I’m grateful that I don’t have to do any of this bullshit, and I think I’m going to have Chinese leftovers that day. (I assume the good Chinese place near here will be closed that day, or slammed, so either way, I’ma order a double the day before, and try to store half of it… who am I kidding? I’ma eat the whole thing the day before, and just go into a postprandial coma for the rest of the week, waking only to take a massive, painful bloody shit late Saturday or early Sunday as the equivalent of a small gazelle makes its way through my digestive system like going through that of a python, horns and all! MMmmmm… that’s gonna be sweet. I should preemptively lay in a supply of hemorrhoid wipes and cream.
I like turkey
https://media.giphy.com/media/iK3yQOmGjLW5ipXq1T/giphy.gif
Well if you wanted to be alive so badly you should have asked God to NOT make you out of food
You might think Katherine is feeling bad about the turkey’s future and their ill-fated thanks, but she’s really planning out how to direct the conversation so the turkey is also thankful for things like cranberries, seasoned bread chunks, some place warm, and people happy to see it.