#193 When life gives you Gourds
Nov10
on November 10, 2022
at 9:41 am
Spending days dumpster diving for orphaned pumpkins only to bake them into a moldy pie weeks down the line is the true Thanksgiving spirit
Read on Webtoons!
Cuddlep00p Links
Fun Pumpkin Facts:
Pumpkins carved into usually frightening effigies, to make “Jack-O-Lanterns” done in celebration of the American holiday of Halloween, (also celebrated abroad,) are the fruiting body of the “cucurbita pepo,” plant, which is actually a different species from the plant that produces the generally smaller, “sugar pumpkin” fruit, from which most food containing pumpkin is derived, “cucurbita moschata.” Pumpkins from the two species don’t really resemble each other, and you’d likly be shocked to learn that your pumpkin pie filling came from such a wierdly-shaped fruit. You’d perhaps wonder what the point was in raising all these pumpkins, (at around 30 calories per cup of bits of fruit,) given how much more energy it took to grow them, (for the energy is needed not just to form the fruit, but to sustain the parent plant during that growth,) and how many people could have been fed with the energy that went into raising those pumpkins that won’t even ever go into a pie.
Each year, 2.9 kagillion tons of pumpkins end up in landfills*, sprouting mold and rotting after providing somone with perhaps an hour or so of amusement, probably less, then acting as rat and roach bait right in front of someone’s HOUSE. If you follow the energy of the sun’s photons, you’ll find they were radiated over 90 million miles away, traveled at inconceivable speed to Earth, where they were aborbed into the leaves of a plant, and used to chain up chemical strands that could have powered a human body, and instead, they’re rotting in the bushes near your porch ! Think of all the good those photons could have done, helping some plant form new cells and grow, if the plant were, say… wheat, corn, or soybeans? Maybe these aren’t your speed, so consider, perhaps, marijuana? Imagine if all the energy that went into manufacturing all the TONS of waste-pumpkins mostly just to be throw away, the farmers instead decided to raise WEED?!? The holiday would be immediately relocated and renamed, to, “Thanksgiving,” but would take place about three weeks into April!
Further pumpkin facts: David S. Pumpkins is not related directly to any known species of cucurbita. Despite his unexpectedly frightening appearance, and the pumpkin motif of his suit, he is, in fact, a member of h. sapiens, as, very likely, are you, if you’re reading this. That or a clever cocker spaniel. Many of them can read.
Another amazing pumpkin fact: Elon Musk’s “SpaceX” is looking into the possible formulation of rocket fuel extracted from all those wasted pumpkins mentioned in the first point above, though they might also be planning to use them as part of a biowarfare experiment, to reduce what billionaires see as the “usless 99%” of the human population that doesn’t have a net-worth of at least 50 million dollars, or, failing that, big tits and a vagina. The efforts along these lines are called “Project Thanatos,” internally at the company, though neither Musk nor any employee of his various companies has publicly-akcnowledged any of this, but that’s mainly because I just made that up, though it would surprise me very little to learn that I was right about this.
Additional pumpkinformation: “I Love You Pumpkin,” was claimed to be a song written by “KG,” or Kyle Gass from which he derived residuals in the semi-autobiographical film “Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny,” but in truth, it turned out to be a remark made by his sentimental mother who was sending him money to support him well into his adulthood because he was still waiting for his music career to become lucrative, a source of tremendous embarrassment for him.
A staggering pumpkin fact: sooner or later, someone’s going to bring to market, “Pumpkin Spiced SHIT,” and people will buy it because they’ve been so conditioned into associating pumpkin-scented and pumpkin flavored foods with childhood nostalgia and other memories of happier times that they won’t manage to stop themselves despite the products being clearly labeled as containing, “shit”. Literally no one will think to use it as fertilizer despite it being almost taylor-made for THAT exact purpose.
The band, “The Smashing Pumpkins” contains no bandmembers who are, in fact, pumpkins, smashing or otherwise.
Pumpkin contains the words “pump” and “kin,” which is odd, because in general, you shouldn’t pump your kin. That leads to defective or deformed kids and very akward family reunions.
Pumpkin has 6 unique letters and one repeat, and is generally pronouned using two syllables though your milage may vary. A frozen pumpkin can become a deadly weapon, especially if launched from a catapult or trebuchet or similar flinging weapon.
(* This number is known to at least eleventy-fliven digits.)
So this holiday era, please enjoy your pumpkin-spiced gravy on your mashed sweet potatoes.
I like pumpkins
I love pumpkin pie
I like sucking on the seeds while I’m carving them
I left my jack-o-lantern open and my cat curled up inside of it 🙁
now I have to smash them both
This is when you use Secret Parenting Techniques (TM). Start doing things with the pumpkins that looks like you’re going to cook them up, like chopping them up and boiling a bunch so the smell gets around the house. Then, when the kids are out playing, quickly dump the pumpkins out at a local composting site, buy a few pumpkin pies at the local market, and “be all done cooking” by the time the kids get back. Nobody has to risk food poisoning and everybody gets to eat a lot of pie.